There has been a lot and lot and lot of blood sweat and tears put in over the last 3 years. But everything I put my hand to becomes fruitless. I worked really hard this last week, and the week before, and the week before. And a lot of people ask a lot of me, and I try to give my all, and when I ask, it’s often crickets. Clients forget to send checks (even though great systems are in place) and I am forced to choose electricity or diapers. 3 years of that is a heavy burden. In a season where the housing market is booming and people are being blessed with awesome home opportunities (which I am so happy and blessed to see), I maxed out a credit card just to make rent. And it isn’t for lack of trying. All my bride wants is a house we can call our own.
My responsibilities and what is asked of me at home, added on to the fact that I haven’t slept in years, has finally caught up to me. I have been asked to make a good living to provide for my family, but haven’t been given the time to make it happen. As great as my job is, the constant and brutal grind that it has been to earn enough to eat has completely exhausted me. I am physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally empty. I am cursing God WAY more than I am praising Him. My temper is short, my frustration level is a constant red. I am too tired to speak. I can’t focus. The bills are stacking high. I have worked to practice patience and trust and leaning on God, only for everything to get way worse. It feels like a great cat and mouse game.
When will just one small little thing go right?
When our babies were born, I made the choice to be around, and to focus first on family, and then on work. I would always make that choice. But when work takes the back seat, and we don’t have food for dinner, my family suffers. So what the eff gives? What mark have I missed? I understand the need for balance, no doubt. But the constant pull and weight of responsibility at home has crushed me. I thought I could do it, but I have so incredibly failed. For the first time I simply just want to go take a nap and forget about all responsibility.
Read more on the next post…