Part 1.

It’s been a while. Usually means everything hit the fan. And it sure did.

Here goes:

3+ years ago, when I became a father, life changed. It was such a thrill to hold my daughter and to become a daddy. It has brought me tremendous joy. I can’t imagine life without kids. Life is full and rich and lively.

But some things have taken a toll. For me, it is many things. For starters, work has tanked. I have a job that requires a ton of creativity, planning, dreaming, inspiration, rest, a refreshed mind, and a good night’s sleep. Our kids have been gifted with the ability to be up all night screaming for years on end. It’s been 3+ years since any of us have had a full, complete night of rest. That WEARS you down quick.

I am tired. So tired I am nodding off writing this.

I feel like I am doing the career and job that God wants for me, and using the gifts he has blessed me with, but why am I unable to consistently put food on the table? Why am I not able to be a great, involved, invested dad AND make a livable wage? I feel like my lane is to be a loving and caring dad and husband, but also to be the near 100% breadwinner in our family. But I constantly get pulled out of that breadwinner lane. I feel like I have been tasked with carrying 62 bowling balls to the summit of Rainier all at once. The burden is heavy, and currently unachievable. I want to be available and help with the kids and go to events help around the house, but that in and of itself has become a near full time job. When do I have time to actually work? Evenings? By the time we get kids to bed, we are so exhausted that we just go to bed. We haven’t sat down and watched a movie or just hung out for 4 months. Our date afternoons last 2 hours because of our high-maintenance kids and we just end up arguing, mostly because we are just tired. And if I say no because I have to work, the guilt is strong.

Read more on next post…

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