Going Through The Motions

I am definitely not a “motions” type. When engaged in something, I like to be present, focused. Give me one thing to focus on and I will give it my best.

Faith is one of the anomalies that I have had such a difficult time with. My whole life I have strived to have “great faith” – to be confident of my identity in Jesus. But that confidence has rarely been a pillar of the foundations of my faith. I’m more like a “build your house on the sand” type. Usually doesn’t take much to wash everything away. And since I’ve spent the majority of my life in the path of hurricanes, tornados, flash floods… – all the storm seasons in America, my foundation is usually either being washed out or rebuilt. It hasn’t ever been completed. This isn’t in any way due to lack of God’s faithfulness or grace, as those things have always been abundant. I’ve been given the chance to rebuild time and time again. Yet, I keep choosing to rebuild in the same dang spot.

This came up in conversation this week as I was overcome with doubt and frustration – specifically regarding a prayer that I read. “After all the growth I’ve experienced lately, I still really don’t know if I believe what I just prayed”, I said. But I was quickly assured that that is ok. It’s ok to go through the motions at times. Or most times. No matter how stale, lifeless, uncomfortable it gets… just keep doing it. Keep journaling. Keep praying. Keep taking communion. Keep opening up to a friend, pastor… Keep pressing in. While I’ve strived for this “great” faith, Jesus reminds us that we only need faith of a mustard seed. So even if that is all I have, and I just keep trying, I never know when God will speak next. The clearest and loudest times He has spoken to me was in situations where I first chose to be obedient. No matter how reluctant I was. It’s not the greatness of our faith that He desires, it’s our obedience – particularly in hard times.

This week I feel like I am just practicing. Not even in the game. I never cared for practice in sports. Let’s just play. But I feel like my faith has been in practice mode for decades. Still, I just need to keep at it. One step, one breath.

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