“Daddy – look at that sunset!”⠀
Our kids are dying for us to take them on adventures. Not just because they want us to, but because they want us to WANT to. They can definitely tell the difference. Are we engaged, or just checking a “quality time with my kids” box for the month? I am often very guilty as charged.⠀
One thing that absolutely sucks about depression is that, in the past, I rarely have ‘felt’ like doing things. Anything, really. Even the things I enjoy the most often felt like a chore to get myself to do. Golf, hike, travel – you name it, no matter how epic it was, it took all of my might to will myself to action. Often, once I had finally mustered up the motivated, which sometimes would take hours, days or weeks, then I would finally enjoy myself – sometimes. Trauma and abuse have this sneaky ability take away the ability to compartmentalize. So even when I was engaged in a rad activity, my mind was stuck somewhere else. I have often described it as seeing my life through Virtual Reality goggles while I am sitting in a warehouse in Kansas. I can see, hear and watch my body engage in fun activities, but I am not really there to enjoy them.⠀
I was finally made aware recently that my survival brain was stuffing all the bad emotions (memories) down so as not to hurt me anymore, but it was also stuffing the good emotions. I basically just never felt. No wonder why it was so hard to get myself motivated to do pretty much anything. Now that I have begun working really hard at healing properly from the past, I am finding myself enjoying life so much more. It’s not that everything in the past is a waste, because the memories are so incredibly sweet, especially now. I am just excited to be fully engaged more, and for my wife and kids to KNOW just how much I am enjoying my time when with them.
Location: Sucia Island