Huge Pillow

A few nights ago was the first time I cried myself to sleep in many many years. Like soaked pillow cried. I became so incredibly overwhelmed by the pressure to hold it all together as a father and husband, something I really haven’t been doing. I had this strong vision of holding my young son now, knowing many years from now I would probably fail him greatly. I think I have just put a ton of pressure on myself lately to find healing from baggage, wounds, trauma, mental ‘unhealth’, but have nothing to show. I have tried so much, have gained zero ground, and just became violently overcome by fear. I have been failed so much by many of those before me, and I just don’t want my kids to know that pain. For them to struggle so hard every day. To be buried by a fog as thick as a wet wool blanket that smells like a dog. I was hopeless. But while reading a book about Heaven this week (All Things New), I caught this glimpse of freedom. A vision that someday, the pain I feel, and that my kids will eventually know, will be completely wiped away. If I can just keep my faith. Keep pressing on and pressing in. Leaning in to the promise of the coming Kingdom, the coming freedom. There really is no pressure at all. My future and my present is mine to own. My past and all it’s pain are no longer mine, as they were bought on the cross. What I choose to do from here will determine what happens to this pain. I heard recently that the greatest ministries are birthed in seasons of fire and carnage. Seasons like this. Where there seems to be not a glimmer of hope. But hope is never lost. “You’re gonna be ok” by Jenn Johnson is an anthem written for just this moment. “Hold on and don’t let go. One step closer, one foot in front of the other. You’ll get through this. Just follow the light in the darkness.” Holding onto the promise of the coming kingdom with both hands (Hebrews 6). I’m gonna be ok. We are gonna be ok. My kids are gonna be ok. My pillow is gonna be ok.