100 Days

It’s been 100 days since returning home from a life-changing month at a depression recovery center. It was the most humbling, humiliating, hardest and scariest thing I’ve ever done. We all thought “what if it doesn’t ‘work’?” In a lot of ways, it was a last ditch effort. Not that my life was going to end if things didn’t change, but my life as I knew it would change. PRESSURE.

Today I’ve been thinking back on when I used to teach about a president’s “100 days” evaluations. It’s a free-for-all criticism on our nation’s leader. There are moments when it feels that way here and now, 100 days back into real life. It certainly was a bubble there. No emails, no phone, no clients, no diapers… We are in agreement that I’m not as far along as we hoped or anticipated. They remind us on our way out that people often expect you to come home “fixed”, when often it was their behavior that broke us.

I didn’t believe that a depression clinic was the final straw. I fully believe Jesus is the only one who can change and heal. But I had to choose incredible vulnerability to set in motion healing. Healing of trauma, depression, PTSD, anxiety, all symptoms caused by abuse, abandonment, a colorful palette of traumatic life events. The bubble burst loudly upon my arrival home. It’s been 100 days straight of chaos, curveballs, trials, failures, super hard choices, hard relationships getting harder… All things ringing the same tune to what broke me down in the first place. I have this horrific drive for perfection – it’s either A+ or F. Nothing in between. I was reminded by my friend last night the importance of grace for ourselves. No, I’m not where I hoped I would be 100 days back. But it sure isn’t for a lack of trying. I’ve put in the hard work, stayed committed to the “plan”, and have a laundry list of ridiculous stuff that has happened to try and throw me off. All which has strengthened me. Growth is evident. Part of the trial is Jesus continuing the refining process. Part of it is the devil throwing darts into barely closed wounds. I can confidently say to myself today that Jesus’ grace is sufficient, even when I didn’t believe. He is enough.

Location: Lincoln Memorial

View on Instagram ⇒

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *